Dividend Paid
by thecatladywrites
Summary: To be tethered to someone who always finds themselves with someone else, is indescribable. To be connected for eternity? Unbearable. Learning to carry the burden is easier said than done.


**Dividend Paid**

**Disclaimer: We all know that any and all things Twilight are Stephenie Meyer's vision. To pretend otherwise would be illegal and well…rude.**

A pregnant pause.

"You're back."

This is the first time I've seen him in almost two decades. He has a look about him. The prodigal son has returned home, only, I'm not his mother. They'll all welcome him with open arms…the family. It all becomes glaringly obvious. The impromptu hunting trip was about this reunion. Her name takes form in my thoughts like a hiss. Alice. She had seen this and had set this up. I'll be sure to choke the un-life out of her when I next lay eyes on her.

Of course he looked the same as he did 96 years ago…gorgeous…unchanged. He is still as bright as any sun has a right to be.

"Yes."

I nod at his response and return my gaze to the window. He was gone for a shorter period this time around. The first time I waited almost 30 years. A thought occurs to me; he's spent more than half our marriage away from me. The need for him to be away from me enough to leave his family must have been overwhelming and all consuming. All of these thoughts lead to my unnecessary rapid breathing. Can vampires hyperventilate?

"Stop it."

He must have seen it on my face. He may not be able to read my mind but I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I've never been able to hide from him.

I still myself, my breathing…my thoughts. I won't lie; I'm glad to see him. I'm overwhelmed to see him, really. His presence is enough to calm the morose cloud that constantly looms.

I would feel differently, if the women changed every time, but it's always her. No matter what vows we've exchanged, it's always her. He always comes back to me he says, but doesn't the same ring true for her as well?

I feel his approach before he actually gets to me. The touch that I've craved for 20 years is electric but it makes me flinch because the touch comes from that of a stranger.

"I'm sorry."

And he's holding me, holding me as if I were his last salvation. I think he may mean it this time but obviously, I have my doubts.

"I've missed you."

I nod because I know in some sense he has missed me, otherwise he wouldn't be here now, right?

He's still clutching me to him and I have yet to show a physical response. He's holding me so tight it's beginning to hurt. I think he thinks if he continues to hold me this way I'll surrender just as I did before.

"Bella? Please?! I need…"

And that's all it takes to break the moment. I'm across the room in half a blink of an eye. I'm shaking my head vigorously. I realize that I'm not ready for this any of this. I'm not sure how to react. I've envisioned this moment for years in various places and scenarios. Now that the moment is here, I don't know how to respond.

"Baby?! I'm sorry. I know you don't believe it, but it's true. I hate that I hurt you. I hate that you're hurting. I hate that I'm the cause of it…again. But I'm here. I just needed…time."

This isn't the first time he's needed time with her. This isn't the first time he's been sorry and I know it won't be the last.

We're a species that remains unchanged, stagnant. He's loved her forever but his draw to me, his mate, was unexpected and inescapable. I think some part of him hates me for it. The real kicker? I can't remember the last time he actually told me he loved me or if I just imagined that he ever did. God above help me; I love him more than my own life. He knows this and he wields it like a sword against my un-beating heart.

We're quiet. It's too quiet even for vampires. I can tell it's killing him that he can't tell what I'm thinking. The thing that once drew him to me now instills fear. It's different this time. He knows it. He needs me. I'm his anchor, his native soil. He's a fish out of water without me. He will always come back because he knows the same could be said about me.

I look at him; really look at him…this man that I love, the man that I haven't set eyes on in 20 years. I begin to wonder what it's like to shirk your commitments, obligations, connections…promises. I wonder if she offers him the freedom to do this. Then I wonder why he married me. Why all of this was necessary.

And then I wonder.

I wonder what it is to be free and to run like Garrett. Garrett offered his companionship for as long as I wanted it and without strings. Free of empty promises and obligations.

"I'm not going to sleep with you, Garrett." I snorted and rolled my eyes.

"Who in the hell said anything about sleeping?" he replied with that saucy grin of his that made me want to blush and smack it off his face.

I could do this.

I could. I could pack a bag or just run with the clothes on my back. There's really no restriction where I go or who I see.

I'm drawn back to the moment. He's still looking at me for something. It's his turn to wait, to wonder. I'd like to say that I can't bear the thought of hurting him as he's hurt me, but I'd be lying.

"I think…I think it's your turn." I speak the words so softly, I wonder if he's heard them at all.

In what seems to be no time, I pack a small bag. My cell phone and car keys are in hand. It appears I have no desire to be as free as I originally thought.

"It's your turn to wonder. It's your turn with your family. Perhaps I need…time." I say all of this and smirk, my inner smartass coming to the surface.

I go to him and watch as confusion creeps over his features. He's having a difficult time understanding as I did the first time he left. I initiate contact by touching his face. I close my eyes and breathe him in. Our 96 years playing behind my eyelids like a silent film in Technicolor. I open my eyes and say what is necessary.

"Do what you feel you need to, Love. You normally do. Bring her here. Go to her. The choice is yours. I'm just taking away Option C, the least important option, myself." I turn and make my way to the door only to find my path blocked.

"Bella…what…what are you doing? You're leaving?! I came home…to you! And you're leaving?!" I sigh because he doesn't understand, he's never had to. It takes practice and time…he'll get there.

I can say a number of things to him in this moment. How he may as well have taken a match to me the other times he's left. I could say, "What did you expect?" I could suggest divorce…but he would never consider it and would dismiss it as soon as the words left my mouth. I say none of these things and respond with a resounding "Yes."

"Bella, let's talk about this. I know you're hurt and upset. I know my return is unexpected and perhaps a bit abrupt. But don't do this. Don't walk out because I feel that if you walk out, you may not come back."

I close my eyes and rub them, I never tire…it doesn't happen, but this situation has made me weary. This thing, our journey, this chapter needs to end or pause. I need a reprieve. "You're right, I may not come back. "


End file.
